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We’ve all been there. Setting goals, trying to accomplish them, perhaps starting strong, but somehow, somewhere along the line we veer off course. We become too busy or find ourselves doing other things. We allow distractions to take over, and often we come up with very believable reasons why we haven’t achieved our goals.
To an outsider, we may seem fine, but on the inside, we’re upset, sad, and frustrated. So we start again, only to eventually go through the same cycle of start, get stuck, escape, get frustrated, ending up in the same place.
And that’s ok. As humans, it’s challenging for us to consistently maintain our intentions and goals.
Our brains evolved to continuously predict and simulate future experiences based on our past experiences and current context to help us navigate the world. Many of these beliefs, thoughts, and feelings put us on a path of living by default (autopilot) and they sometimes get in the way of us accessing the best parts of ourselves and creating the lives we truly desire.
It’s important to recognize that a lot of our thoughts and feelings occur automatically (like mental butlers) and without any conscious awareness. It’s believed that around 40-45% of our daily behaviors are habitual and performed without much conscious thought. In fact, as much as 95% of our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions can be automatic or habitual.
Our adult selves are walking around with beliefs, thoughts, and feelings that our kid selves chose a long time ago, just to manage, get by, and stay safe.
Your adult self today might be striving for a promotion at work, for example, but your deep-rooted fear of looking stupid and feeling less-than, which took root when you ran for class president and didn’t win, keeps you from taking risks or seizing opportunities.
Maybe you’re aiming to become a respected leader in your field, but the imposter syndrome you developed early on when your teacher once unfairly criticized your work keeps you from owning your accomplishments and fully embracing your capabilities.
These automatic beliefs, which are tied to hidden thoughts and feelings, were once helpful survival mechanisms in our younger years, but now act as barriers to achieving the fulfilling lives we desire.
Recognizing and addressing these habitual patterns is the key to breaking free from their grip and stepping into our true potential.
Lucky for us, our brains are adaptable and capable of forming new neurological pathways, which in turn can lead to the development of new automated thoughts, emotions, and habits. This means that we have the power to change, and so can our circumstances and experiences of life.
Change requires two core elements: awareness and effort
Awareness isn’t easy to gain, but it is the key that will open all the doors of possibility. It requires reflection, letting go of judgment, and heightened observation. The challenge is in confronting things we might not want to face. It’s like looking in a mirror after neglecting self-care for 30 years. Oof, not fun.
But once we gain insight and start recognizing automated thought patterns, automatic reactions, and habitual behaviors, the doors to change begin to open.
And now with awareness in hand, we can now put forth the effort so we can walk through these doors. This involves thinking differently, questioning and challenging assumptions, devising plans, implementing them, practicing, observing and continuously cultivating awareness as the cycle continues.
While nothing can truly replace the safe space, listening, empathy, guidance, and partnership that a human coach can provide you on your journey, you can still follow a step-by-step approach to help you expand your awareness and inspire action that leads to change.
Here’s an easy to follow, 4-step process [and free workbook] that can help you get out of your own way and achieve great(er) things.
Step 1: Assess
What’s really going on?
We’re going to start the process by going inward.
Let's take a step back and look at what’s going on from a different perspective so that we can uncover blind spots to help us see and understand what’s really going on for us.
It’s crucial that you let go of any judgment towards yourself as you go through this exercise. There are no right or wrong answers. Just share whatever comes to mind and jot it down.
Download the digital workbook or print version if you want it all in one place >
What is a goal you’re working towards?
What makes this goal important to you?
What will it give you that you don’t have now?
What have you done so far to work towards this goal?
What else needs to be done in order to achieve it?
What’s getting in the way from you doing those things?
**What thoughts come up for you when you think about what needs to be done, or when you actually try to do those things? [This is much easier said than done. If we all had the ability to find our limiting beliefs, we’d already be halfway to where we’d need to be. But these beliefs lurk in the background of our daily lives. They hide and they embed themselves deep within our psyche and run on autopilot without us even knowing. But you can start to identify them when you’re feeling stuck. What thoughts are going through your head when you’re stuck in your tracks or escaping?
These are the beliefs you formed so long ago to help you cope with life. A lot of them are nested deep beyond our conscious thoughts and automatically guide our emotions and behaviors. Many of them are definitive statements like: “This has to be perfect,” “It’s too hard,” “What’s the point?” “I shouldn’t ask for something that’s not given to me,” “People like me don’t get to lead teams.”
Sometimes they show up like a bully would, “You’re too fat,” “You’ll never get ahead,” “Who do you think you are?” “You’ll never make it,” “Who’s going to listen to you anyway?” “You’re too stupid to finish that.”
And sometimes, the bully is you, “I’m so fat,” “I’m so ugly,” “I suck at this,” “Why would anyone want to hear me?” “I don’t deserve better,” “I’m too tired.”]
Take your time here and be as specific as you can.
What feelings or emotions come up for you? Are you terrified? Furious? Indifferent? Sad? Use the Wheel of Emotions below to help you be more specific. List all that apply.
What are you avoiding or hoping won’t happen?
What do you find yourself doing when you’re avoiding those things? [Pay attention to when and where you get stuck, give up, escape, or self-sabotage. It doesn’t matter how you escape - alcohol, food, tv, social media, work, sex, etc.
This may take a few days or even weeks of observation. These won’t be easy but when you look for the patterns, they can uncover a lot.
Start wherever you are. Notice what you’re seeing. Jot it down. For example, you notice that every time you sit down to write an email to your boss, you get up for coffee. Or every time your significant other starts to argue, you walk away.]
What are you getting out of doing those things? (What does that give you?)
What’s something you were really committed to in the past that you were able to accomplish?
What made that important enough to see it through?
Step 2: Redefine
What do you really want?
It’s good to see things as they are and uncover stuff about ourselves that we weren't aware of before. And yeah, it sucks to see all the things that didn’t go the way we wanted, all the things holding us back, and all the stuff we didn’t do.
But whatever we focus on expands. And for the most part, we’ve been dealing with, looking at, thinking about, and feeling all the things we don’t want for a long time. And the more we sit with that, the heavier, bigger, and more real it feels.
If we keep thinking about and focusing on what we don’t want, we’ll just get more of it.
In order to create possibility and move forward, we must start clarifying what it is we want to think, feel and do and start focusing on that.
Challenge your automatic thoughts and beliefs by looking at your answers to the question with the two asterisks ** in the previous section. Rewrite each thought/belief from that list and counter each one with an opposite thought or belief. So if a belief you have is "Who would want to listen to me?" you can challenge that with something like, "Lots of people would want to listen to me." Or if a belief was in the form of a rhetorical question like, “Why would anyone listen to you?” challenge it and answer it. For example, "Because I have 10 years of experience."
What do you want to think and believe? Write it all down. I want to believe that…(I am capable. I am strong. I have what it takes to make more money, etc.)
What do you want to feel? List out all of the things you want to feel then go back to the wheel of emotions and add anything else you see there that you want to feel.
Step 3: Re-envision
What do you want your future to look like?
Visualizing a future state - seeing it, feeling it, sensing it - allows us to have something very concrete to work towards. The imagery engages our brains in ways words alone can never do. We shape our own realities through the way we perceive the world.
So instead of allowing our past experiences and knowledge to guide us into an automated, default future, we can use mental simulations like visualization to influence our emotions and motivations. This can then lead us towards a new future - one that we consciously choose and actively change the trajectory of.
This process involves clearly aligning our true desires with a vivid vision of what we want to achieve, inspiring and empowering us to take action.
How would someone who feels, thinks, and believes in the ways you want to think, believe and feel actually show up in life? What do they do? How do they spend their time? What do they do when things don’t go their way?
Now imagine yourself as that person. THIS IS YOU. Close your eyes, play your favorite music, go for a walk, whatever it is that lifts you up and ask yourself these questions. Envision your future self doing things differently like that person you just imagined. Feel that you are that person. What are you doing differently? What things do you say to yourself? How are you spending your time? Jot it all down.
What thoughts, feelings, or behaviors do you need to change to be that empowered version of yourself working towards your goal?
Step 4: Make it Happen
What are you going to do?
Here’s where you start to do things differently.
You plan your next steps, you change things in your surroundings, you seek support in ways you haven’t before. This is all about taking action, experimenting, seeing how things unfold, observing internal and external impact, reflecting on them and continuing the growth process:
You’re challenging your own status quo here, so it’s kind of like going against gravity. Things won’t necessarily go smoothly or turn out the way you expect.
That’s ok, it’s part of the process.
So once you start implementing and experimenting with the thing(s) you’re doing differently, new things will happen. Observe them again without judgment. Think about it, reflect, gain more awareness. Iterate and change things up again. What do you want to do now? Experiment. And the cycle continues.
What are some things you can do to get you closer to that version of yourself that’s empowered, thriving, and achieving your goal? Again, there's no right or wrong, so just list out anything and everything that comes to mind. Maybe it’s something like, “Get rid of all the alcohol in my home,” “Wake up 30 minutes earlier each day,” “Put a schedule for myself to read,” “Send that email."
Whatever it is, write it down.
What’s one thing from that list that you can do right now?
What can you change or do to your environment that will support you in doing this one thing? Is it getting a wall calendar? Dedicating a space for yourself? Working out of a cafe instead of home? Cleaning your bedroom? What and/or who can help you?
What and/or who can help you?
What are your next steps?
Change is hard. Transitions are the hardest. And when you’ve been blindly running on automatic for years on end, patience during growth is your friend.
Remind yourself that all you’re really doing is “looking under the hood” and finally learning how you’ve been operating all these years.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing to fix. You’re identifying your default operating system, the one you masterminded as a child, and you’re stepping up to take the reins, and redesign the system. That takes an enormous amount of awareness and effort.
Remember, you are the master of your mind, not its servant. By taking this journey, you are making a choice to understand and manage your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and choices effectively. It's not about conquering or suppressing them; it's about recognizing, understanding, and steering them in a direction that serves you.
There is no magic bullet, no one way of doing things. Your journey to personal growth is ongoing. Stay strong, be patient, have grace, enjoy the ride, and always remember that you are more powerful than you know.
