The Reframe Series: The Problem Asking 'What's Wrong With Them?' and What to Ask Instead

Welcome to our first installment of "The Reframe Series” where we explore the power of context over content and practice changing our perspective to improve our mindset, empower ourselves, and enhance our interactions with others no matter the situation.

In this post, we’ll focus on the impact of reframing a specific type of rhetorical question that many of us ask ourselves: “What’s wrong with them?” or “What’s wrong with me?”

We all experience situations in our lives that challenge us, whether it’s someone on our team failing to deliver, a colleague who is difficult to work with, or personal struggles like finding a job or navigating relationships.

In these moments, it’s common to feel frustrated or upset and ask ourselves a question that starts with “What’s wrong with…”, or what I like to call the WWW:

• What's wrong with the leadership team?
• What’s wrong with Joe?
• What’s wrong with that manager?

This kind of automatic, rhetorical question is usually followed by another rhetorical question that starts with “Why”:

• What’s wrong with the leadership team? Why can’t they just agree on what needs to get done so that we can do our jobs?
• What’s wrong with Joe? Why can’t he submit these reports on time? 

We also carry our WWW’s into our personal lives too:

• What’s wrong with you (my son/daughter)? Why can’t you just do what you’re told?
• What’s wrong with you (my significant other)? Why don't you listen to me?

We even play the WWW game with ourselves:

• What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep messing up all my relationships?
• What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find a job?

This type of thinking doesn’t really lead to answers or forward movement. In fact, it doesn’t even help us feel better - it makes us feel more frustrated, angry, upset, or resentful. But it does do one thing really well though - it makes us feel “right”. If something’s wrong with Joe, then there’s nothing wrong with me. If something’s wrong with the leadership team, then it’s their problem. And if there’s something wrong with me, well at least I’m right about that.

The Problem With WWW Questions

It’s normal and understandable to have a “what’s wrong with me or them” reaction in certain situations especially when we feel threatened. It's a natural human response to challenges or difficulties. But it’s important to reflect on the impact those responses have on us and work on challenging our reactions and changing them when they become unhelpful, disempowering, and harmful.

The issue with this question is that it carries with it (or gives rise to) emotions, thoughts, attitudes, and ultimately actions (or lack thereof) that don’t serve us. We end up feeling stuck and angry as we keep thinking of the limiting, immobilizing, problem-centered stuff the question is guiding us to focus on. When we ask ourselves, "What's wrong with..." we're inclined to search for and focus on everything wrong. 

We’re assuming and judging that something is wrong

When we ask a rhetorical, “What’s wrong with…” question, we’re automatically creating a context of wrongness; of flaws. The judgment comes without all the data points, and the assumptions jump out and color the entire situation (or the content). Our mind is already searching for everything that is “wrong” about the person(s) to validate the assumption in our question. Staying in this space not only puts blame on something outside of us, it also strips us of any power to do anything about it. If something’s wrong with the other team, then there’s nothing we can do about it. There’s no room to explore, understand, or figure out.

We’re instantly resisting whatever is happening

It’s almost as though we’re pretending the thing that’s happening isn’t happening. When we ask “What’s wrong with” it puts us in a state of disbelief. And that’s understandable when we’re feeling uncomfortable or threatened and naturally want to avoid the discomfort or threat.

Avoiding it or pretending something’s not the case is one way of resisting whatever’s happening. When we resist something, we’re pushing against it, trying to erase it, pretending it isn’t true. But that resisting isn’t making it go away, at all. It’s actually making whatever is going on bigger because it’s there and we don’t want to see it. It’s impacting us but we don’t want to look and we don’t want to feel and we don’t want to deal. And that’s a dangerous combination.

What we resist, persists. In order to get from here to there (wherever there is) we have to first see and acknowledge where we are. Avoiding it takes away clarity and the possibility to move forward.

Our context becomes polarized

Because the question “what’s wrong with” implies that there’s something wrong, then something else has to be right (usually it’s us or our perspective). This gives rise to binary thinking; it’s all or nothing. Someone wins and someone loses. It’s us vs them.

The issue with this binary context is that it leaves little room for possibilities or solutions. It’s a very limiting, suffocating, and fixed mindset that is devoid of growth, flexibility, or  change. It creates a sense of judgment and blame, an oversimplification of complex issues, and false certainty. Polarized thinking can also perpetuate stereotypes and contribute to division and breakdowns in communication and innovation.

The Better Question to Ask

So what do we do when we find ourselves thinking or voicing WWW questions? Well, we start by reframing the question from "What's Wrong With" to "I Wonder What's Going On":

Instead of What’s wrong with the leadership team? Ask, “I wonder what’s going on with the leadership team” or “I wonder what’s going on for the leadership team”.

We reframe from WWW to IWWGO.

From "What's Wrong With" to "I Wonder What's Going On".

Rephrasing the question this way instantly reframes our context from one of judgment and anger into one of openness and curiosity. Our perspective in this context is one of exploration and our mindset is open, focused on observing, collecting information, and understanding. It hasn’t even defined a problem, because there is none. There’s just a situation that needs to be clarified and understood.

Our emotions also shift when we ask “I wonder what’s going on with/for”. We no longer feel combative or angry. We’re feeling compassionate, calm, and energized. And there’s no stuckness either. There’s a call to action - I wonder. We’re in a state of wondering, calling us to seek out information.

Even the disempowering “Why” questions that follow ‘What’s wrong with” have no place when you reframe the question as “I wonder what’s going on for”. As a matter of fact, the type of question that comes after the new IWWGO is one that probably articulates the content or the state-of-what’s-so. It’s a simple observation, sans judgment. For example:

• I wonder what’s going on for the leadership team. They haven’t agreed on next steps yet.
• I wonder what’s going for Joe. He hasn’t been submitting his reports on time.
• I wonder what’s going on for you. You’re not responding to my requests.
• I wonder what’s going on for me? I still haven’t found a job.

Reframing questions in this way might make us want to put on our detective hat and begin investigating! Or put on our counselor hat and begin listening. A kind of warmth seems to envelop us, inspiring us to take action and help out. Maybe Joe is going through a divorce and is not focused at work. Maybe the leadership team is in over their heads and there are multiple issues contributing to a lack of alignment. Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself and putting unnecessary pressure to find a job.

Whatever it is, simply by reframing the question in this way, we’re putting ourselves in a position of power - we can do something about whatever is happening, and do it in a compassionate, open-minded, inclusive, and innovative way.

So the next time we find ourselves thinking or vocalizing “what’s wrong with”, let’s pause, reframe to “I wonder what’s going on with/for” and see what opens up for us. It might totally change the trajectory of our day or perhaps our lives.