When it comes to our day-to-day, it’s easy to focus on and get caught up in the content of our lives - the things that happen, the events and circumstances we encounter, or the “stuff”. Our jobs, families, friends, health, goals and achievements.
We focus on the challenges or obstacles we face, or on the things that don’t go our way. The bill that still needs to be paid, the teenager that keeps breaking curfew, the driver that just cut us off in traffic, the coworker that won’t stop complaining, the boss that doesn’t give enough clarity, endless Zoom meetings, the diagnosis from the doctor, morning gym sessions, late night homework with the kids. The promotion you didn’t get. The job you just lost.
We also focus on the seemingly wonderful things that happen. The promotion you just got. The vacation you just booked. Kids doing what they’re told. Losing ten pounds.
Future things too - your dream of becoming a VP. Finishing that project. Getting fit. The goal of being independently wealthy.
Even winning the lottery.
All of it. It’s just stuff. It’s the “what” of our lives. It’s real. And it can feel real exhilarating or real crappy.
We tend to think that it’s this stuff that makes our lives great or not so great.
Take a moment right now as you’re reading this and ask yourself, “What’s one thing that sucks about my life? What’s one thing that is great?”
Most likely your answer was related to the content or “what” of your life; I get to work from home, I just got a raise, I just got laid off, my boss is a jerk, I’m going out to dinner on Friday, my friends are coming to visit. You get the gist.
But there’s something else that’s bigger and more powerful than the content of our lives that has a huge impact on the quality of our lives and is the main driver behind our lives being great or crappy: Context.
According to Google’s Oxford Languages, context is the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed.
Context is the environment that surrounds an event that can “throw light on its meaning”. Simply put, context is the meaning we give to events. Context frames, defines, perceives, and interprets the content. It influences our behavior, emotions and thought processes. It also shapes our expectations and biases.
I like to think of context as the “what’s-so” that we bring with us everywhere in life - it surrounds the “what” or “content”. If the content of our lives is "what happened" or "what's happening", then the context (which we create, whether we realize it or not) is our story about what happened, or is happening. It’s our mindset, emotional state, and preconceived notions, and reactions. Context is nested in how we see and approach the world; how we operate.
And it is something we fully own and control.
One of the quickest ways to discern content from context is when we’re in a very strong mood. Like when you’re super-stressed, exhausted, tired, had a challenging day and your toddler keeps calling out to you, “Mama, mama, mama, mama” - maybe you’d snap and yell, “What?!?!?”. And yet if you were in another kind of mood; maybe a relaxed or elated one and the same toddler comes out in the same way and calls out to you, you’d probably smile and say, “Yes, sweetheart?”
What’s the difference in these scenarios? The content is the same, which is the toddler repeatedly calling out to you. The only thing that was different was your state of being, your “what’s-so”, the “what’s going on for you”, the "story" which includes your mindset, emotions, perspectives, experiences in that moment. Your mood. Or…your context.
Sometimes your context is as obvious as your mood. Other times context is hidden and out of sight, nested within layers of other context. Your mood can be nested within your beliefs, nested within your values, nested within an autonomic nervous system response. It may take years to uncover and understand all these layers. Nonetheless, context is something we create.
Here are different ways we can think of content vs context:
Content is “What happened?” or "What's happening?" Events. Objective facts.
Context is “What’s my story about what happened (or what's happening)? How am I approaching what happened? It’s our thoughts, feelings, interpretations about what happened.
Yes, the content is there, it is real, it has impact. The scene, the data, the raw material, the words. But the real power, what gives the content meaning, makes it into something useful, actionable, valuable, or something useless, immobilizing and horrible is the context; it’s the lens that gives the scene light and brings it into focus. It’s the algorithm that instructs the data and processes it to create a program. It’s the words put into a specific order that creates the story.
It’s important to distinguish between content and context because once we do that, we can then see where our power lies and where it doesn’t. And once we see where we have power, we can then wield that power to influence, create, and mold our lives into whatever it is we want it to be. We can even help bring about the content we want. Once we see where we have control, everything changes.
Events are neutral. They have no meaning. They carry no value. They’re neither good nor bad. They just are. And most of the time, they are out of our control.
I know this could be difficult to wrap our heads around especially because most of us grew up in families, cultures, and societies that place value on the things that happen. Getting into an accident is horrible. Getting promoted is great. Rainy days suck. Sunny days are awesome. Etc.
It’s crucial to recognize this reality and accept it, because without it we have very little power or control over our lives.
Does this mean you just give up? Not feel anything? Not do anything? Be devoid of empathy and compassion? Become a victim of your circumstances? Have people walk all over you? Throw your hands in the air and just sit down? Let your reactions take over?
No, absolutely not.
Something happened. That’s it.
And oftentimes we almost automatically feel or react a certain way. That's ok.
That’s where we start.
What we make it mean, how we see it, how we choose to think and feel about it, and what we choose to do about it is what then turns the event into either something empowering or disempowering for us.
I just want to say a little something about word choice as we consider this topic. The way we talk about our experiences (to ourselves and to others) can also shape our interpretations of them. Context plays a huge role in our lives after all (at least that’s the premise of this post!)
You’ll see and hear a lot of mention in articles, books, and conversations about our thoughts being “rational” or “irrational”, or emotions being “positive” or “negative”. Even psychological theories behind powerful approaches like Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy use words like rational and irrational when referring to thoughts and beliefs.
I urge you to modify your thinking and choose the words “empowering” or “disempowering” when you come across rational/irrational or positive/negative.
What you’ll see in a lot of our conversations is that there aren’t any positive or negative emotions, rational or irrational thoughts - those too can be seen as data points. Indicators of how we’ve come to view and experience the world; insights into how we’ve come to operate and show up. Becoming aware of thoughts and emotions without assigning them value can help us acknowledge what’s working and what isn’t and learn to choose what empowers us over what disempowers us.
So instead of asking yourself, “Is this a rational or irrational thought?” ask yourself, “Is this an empowering or disempowering thought?”
Instead of, “Is this a positive or negative emotion?” ask, “Does this emotion empower or disempower me?”
In her book 7 ½ Lessons About the Brain, Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist and psychologist, tells us that our perception of events is shaped not only by the objective, physical properties of the events themselves, but also by our expectations, experiences, and cultural and social context. Our perception of events is not a direct and objective reflection of the events themselves, but rather a reconstruction of our brains based on our own predictions and interpretations. That’s probably why there are usually “two sides to every story” whenever something happens.
One of the most effective ways to create an empowering context is by separating content from context. I’ll admit, separating the objective observations from our own interpretations and stories about them is extremely difficult to do, because of how our minds naturally interpret events and experiences and tend to conflate the two.
To practice separating content from context, try this exercise:
Grab a couple of sheets of paper, open a doc on your computer, or just download this free tool.
Even as you do this exercise, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s only one part of a much larger and ongoing process of reflection and growth involving self-awareness and changing one’s mindset and perspective towards events that happen. It’s not a one-stop-solution.
There isn’t a switch here that you can flip and all of a sudden you’re sitting in this new and empowering context.
Growth takes time, and lots of reconfiguring, thought restructuring, and practice. This will most definitely be used with other tools and techniques to improve your life. And it all starts with the distinction between content and context. It’s at the core of coaching and even therapy. And it’s the heart of Methodorum.
Our lives are made up of countless events and circumstances, which we can begin to see as the “content”of our lives. As you’ve just seen, it’s important to recognize that the real power behind these events lies in the “context” - or the meaning and perspectives we give to them.
Our mindset, emotional state, and preconceived notions all play a significant role in shaping the quality of our lives and what we ultimately come to experience. Even our dreams, goals, and achievements are initially born out of context.
Recognizing this distinction between content and context, between what happened and our story about what happened can empower us to truly hold the pen, re-write the story, and control our narratives no matter what plot twists life throws at us.