--- title: "Should Statements: How to Break the Pattern and See Your Options" description: Discover how to break free from the constraints of image: https://methodorum.com/hubfs/how%20to%20reframe%20should%20statements.png --- [![Methodorum](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/Methodorum%20color%20logo.png)](https://methodorum.com) - [The Growth OS](https://methodorum.com/growth-operating-system) - [Blog](https://methodorum.com/blog) - [Resources](https://methodorum.com/resources) - [See What's Driving Your Results →](https://methodorum.com/results-gap-diagnostic) - [Let's talk](https://methodorum.com/contact-me) [The Growth OS](https://methodorum.com/growth-operating-system) [Blog](https://methodorum.com/blog) [Resources](https://methodorum.com/resources) [See What's Driving Your Results →](https://methodorum.com/results-gap-diagnostic) [Let's talk](https://methodorum.com/contact-me) ![how to reframe should statements](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/how%20to%20reframe%20should%20statements.png) personal development # Break the "Should" Spell ![Nada Elkady](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/Nada%20Elkady%20-2.png) Nada Elkady October 1, 2026 · 7 min read Most of us, without realizing it, have developed an entire library of shoulds. What people should do. How they should respond. What should happen. What shouldn’t be said in certain situations. How children should behave. What husbands and wives should do. What a good boss should be like. How far along we should be by now. How we should feel after something happens and how long we should be allowed to feel it. We didn’t sit down one day and intentionally write all these rules. They were built in the background and slowly became part of our operating system. They came from our parents, friends, communities, institutions, cultures, religions, governments and personal experiences. Everything we saw, heard, learned, and lived through helped us form an understanding of how we, other people, and the world should operate. And those shoulds come out in our words and thoughts all the time - He should’ve signaled before changing lanes. She should apologize for what she did. They should’ve never brought him to the party. My children should listen to me. I shouldn’t have said that. I should be further along by now. The thing about shoulds is that they don’t always feel like opinions, preferences, expectations or values. They feel like laws. ## Your shoulds don’t control reality Once something becomes a should in our minds, it starts functioning like an internal policy attempting to police ourselves, other people, and the world around us. He should do this. They shouldn’t do that. I should’ve known better. This shouldn’t have happened. And when reality violates one of those internal laws, we react. We get angry, hurt, pissed, scared, frustrated, demoralized, or ashamed. Sometimes we stay stuck there for minutes, hours, days, months, or even YEARS, fixated on the fact that something happened when we strongly believe it shouldn’t have. But when we do that, we’re not dealing with what happened. We’re [fighting with the fact that it was allowed to happen at all](https://methodorum.com/blog/when-things-dont-go-your-way). That fixation is like a spell. We’re stuck seeing what we thought should or shouldn’t have happened and nothing else. And because that’s all we see, because we’re in a fight with reality for violating our policies, it feels like we have no other choice but to be angry, hurt, frustrated. Zoom out a bit though, and you’ll see that our shoulds don’t actually control anything. They don’t control what another person does. They don’t control what happens next. They don’t travel backward through time and change what we did. They don’t force life to unfold according to our internal policies. We can believe with every fiber of our being that someone should apologize. And maybe, according to cultural norms, shared values, and shared history, it would be collectively agreed upon that the apology is necessary and makes sense. But… They still may not. ## Break the spell with “may or may not” I’ve found a ridiculously simple way to break the spell. It won’t change what happened, but it can snap you out of the fixation long enough to see more clearly. When you catch yourself emotionally charged and fixated on a should, try swapping it out with four simple words: May or may not.  - She should apologize → She may or may not apologize. - My children should listen to me → My children may or may not listen to me. - He should’ve signaled before changing lanes → He may or may not have signaled before changing lanes. - I shouldn’t have said that → I may or may not have said that. Poof! Spell broken. There’s almost an instant sense of relief. It can feel like releasing the valve on a pressure cooker you didn’t realize had been building inside you. Saying it this way doesn’t resolve what happened. It simply interrupts the intense state that had a hold on you. “May or may not” isn’t meant to rewrite history or make you question something you already know happened. It’s not even excusing someone’s behavior or removing any form of accountability. No. It’s just a pattern interrupt for your thoughts. It’s to remind you that your internal rule never controlled what you, another person, or the world was capable of doing. Both possibilities existed. One of them happened. She may or may not apologize because whether she apologizes or not is her choice. Your children may or may not listen because they are human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You may or may not have said the thing you regret because you were always capable of saying it or not saying it. In this reality, you said it. That’s what happened. Now what? ## Take off the blinders This isn’t an argument about whether something was right, wrong, fair, legal, moral, or acceptable. “May or may not” doesn’t abandon your standards, excuse anyone’s behavior, or ask you to pretend you’re not hurt. It simply releases the demand that your standards control reality. And once that demand loosens its grip, you can finally look at what’s *actually* happening. She hasn’t apologized. Your kid ignored your request. The driver changed lanes without signaling. You said something you regret. You didn’t get the promotion. Your relationship ended. The thing you thought would happen didn’t. You may still feel angry, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, betrayed, or scared. That doesn’t magically disappear because you changed a few words. But now you’re [observing what actually happened](https://methodorum.com/blog/observation-vs-interpretation) and responding to it instead of remaining trapped in a fight with the fact that it did happen. You’ve taken the blinders off. You’ve broken the spell. ## What do you want to do now? Once you can see what’s actually happening, you [regain access to your choices](https://methodorum.com/blog/how-to-reclaim-your-agency). Options that were invisible to you a moment ago start coming back into view. Ok, if she doesn’t apologize, what do you want to do? If your child doesn’t listen, how do you want to respond? If you said something you regret, do you want to apologize, clarify what you meant, or make a different choice next time? If you didn’t get the promotion, do you want feedback? Do you want to build a missing skill? Do you want to look for another opportunity? You may not [control the other person’s behavior](https://methodorum.com/blog/the-power-spheres-framework-navigating-life-with-confidence). You may not be able to undo what happened or guarantee the outcome you want. But you CAN choose what you want to do now. You can set a boundary. Ask a question. Have a conversation. Walk away. Try again. Let it go. Hold someone accountable. Change how you respond next time. That’s where your power is. So when you catch yourself shoulding all over yourself, someone else, the world, life…pause. Break the spell: May or may not. And once the blinders are off, ask yourself: What actually happened? Then reclaim your choices: What do I want to do now? ![break-the-should-spell-full-journey](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/break-the-should-spell-full-journey.svg) A “should” demands that reality follow one of your internal rules. “May or may not” reminds you that the outcome was never yours to control. And once you release that demand, you can stop fighting with reality long enough to see what choices are still yours. Not sure what's actually driving your results? Most growth problems aren't strategy problems — they're operating system problems no one can see yet. The Results Gap Diagnostic shows you exactly where. [Take the Free Diagnostic →](https://methodorum.com/results-gap-diagnostic) In this post Get posts that make the invisible visible — straight to your inbox. Keep reading [![how to communicate change](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/how%20to%20communicate%20change.png) leadership Your Team Heard the Same Message. They Didn't Hear the Same Thing 6 min read](https://methodorum.com/blog/how-to-communicate-change-to-your-team) [![when things don't go your way](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/ChatGPT%20Image%20Sep%2029%2c%202026%2c%2008_06_41%20AM.png) personal development There's Only One Guarantee in Life 7 min read](https://methodorum.com/blog/when-things-dont-go-your-way) [![how to effectively manage up](https://methodorum.com/hubfs/how%20to%20effectively%20manage%20up.png) personal development How to Manage Up Without Being Managed Out 10 min read](https://methodorum.com/blog/how-to-manage-up-effectively) [Methodorum](https://methodorum.com) Sustainable growth from the inside out. #### Methodorum - [The Growth Operating System](https://methodorum.com/growth-operating-system) - [Book a Free Discovery Call](https://calendly.com/nadaelkady/intro-call) - [Contact](https://methodorum.com/contact-me) #### Resources - [Blog](https://methodorum.com/blog) - [Resources](https://methodorum.com/resources) - [Testimonials](https://methodorum.com/nada-elkady-testimonials) - [See What's Driving Your Results →](https://methodorum.com/results-gap-diagnostic) Copyright © , Methodorum [Privacy Policy](https://methodorum.com/privacy-policy) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "BlogPosting", "author" : { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Nada Elkady", "url" : "https://methodorum.com/blog/author/nada-elkady" }, "dateModified" : "2026-10-01T13:14:59.774Z", "datePublished" : "2026-10-01T13:14:59.000Z", "headline" : "Should Statements: How to Break the Pattern and See Your Options", "image" : [ "https://methodorum.com/hubfs/how%20to%20reframe%20should%20statements.png" ], "mainEntityOfPage" : { "@id" : "https://methodorum.com/blog/how-to-reframe-should-statements", "@type" : "WebPage" }, "publisher" : { "@type" : "Organization", "logo" : { "@type" : "ImageObject", "url" : "https://methodorum.com/hubfs/Methodorum_Logo_Color.png" }, "name" : "Methodorum" } } ```