Our perception of the world (and therefore our experience of it) is a complex process that is shaped by a combination of factors including language, culture, experiences, beliefs, emotions, biology, and cognitive biases.
Language alone tends to play a significant role that’s mostly overlooked in the creation of that perception. According to the idea of linguistic relativity, the language we speak, including its structure, grammar, vocabulary, and idioms can influence the way we see, process, and interpret information and experiences. So the way we talk about a situation can influence our thoughts, emotions and behaviors towards it. And the way we think, feel, and behave can also influence our use of language. It’s a continuous, two-way process where our language, thoughts, emotions, and actions are constantly interacting and shaping each other.
Imagine you’re reading a book where the character is wandering through a forest and this was the description of that scene:
I walked through the forest. The trees were tall and it was dark. I came across a clearing and saw a cabin.
Now imagine that same scene described this way:
I trudged through the dense, ancient forest. The towering trees seemed to stretch up to the heavens above. The canopy overhead blocked out most of the sunlight, casting the forest floor into a dim, eerie light. The underbrush was thick and tangled, snagging at my clothes and hair as I forged ahead. Suddenly the trees parted and I found myself in a small and mossy clearing. In the center stood a ramshackle cabin, its rotted, wooden walls falling apart at the edges. The door hung off its hinges, creaking in the soft breeze that ruffled through the clearing.
The way you perceived either version and your experience of it was probably very different simply because of the language used to describe it. And the words themselves probably influenced what you felt as well. Even the way you and I perceived these versions was most likely different because of the cultures we are a part of, the experiences we’ve had in life, and the way we already think and feel.
Many times we don’t realize that even using one single word in our internal or external dialogue can have a profound impact not just on how we think and feel, but also on what we do and the outcomes we experience. One word that has such a significant impact on our lives is 'but'. This one word alone can close off options, limit our thinking, and make us feel stuck, sad, depressed, and powerless.
Just think of all the ways we use 'but' in our thoughts everyday:
Oh, I want to go out tonight but I have to finish my work.
I want to feel free but I have so many responsibilities.
I want to change my career but I’ve been in this profession for 10 years.
I need to find a job but it’s so tough out there - look at all the layoffs.
We need to increase leads by 40% this quarter but we don’t have budget.
I have to increase my pipeline but I haven’t hunted for a long time.
The ‘but’ is like a slap in the face. A full stop. You can almost hear the “womp-womp” as if the world is saying “hard luck” or “too bad” or “yeah, that ain’t happening.” It reminds me of that viral meme of Batman slapping Robin in the middle of saying something to let him know whatever he’s saying is stupid, wrong or impossible. That’s what the word 'but' does - it’s essentially shutting down an idea, thought, or conversation.
This shutting down, which tends to happen almost automatically and subconsciously, influences your next steps, which are probably not towards the thing you initially said you wanted or needed. This impacts the outcome you get, which in turn impacts the experience you have. This happens on an individual level and on a group, team, and company level.
The word 'and' also has a profound impact on how we think and feel, and on the experiences and outcomes of our lives. Instead of shutting down ideas or thoughts, it opens them up. It’s a word that invites exploration and possibility. 'And' encourages us to consider multiple options and perspectives, inherently creating a context that gives rise to a more collaborative and open-minded approach, helping us feel hopeful and empowered.
Imagine swapping out the word 'and' for the word 'but' in some of the statements we listed out earlier:
“I want to go out tonight and I have to finish my work.” Saying this statement with 'and' acknowledges the desire to go out and the need to finish work, allowing for the possibility of solving for both.
“I want to change my career and I’ve been in this profession for 10 years.” The 'and' acknowledges the want of changing careers and of the time spent in that profession. It leaves room for there to be follow up thoughts and questions that expand our thinking to consider what’s possible from here.
“We need to increase leads by 40% this quarter and we don’t have budget.” The 'and' here acknowledges the current state without putting up any barriers or blockers. It invites possibility thinking, where one could then ask, “Ok, what are all the different ways we can do this without a budget?” It’s solution-focused and empowers you to work towards figuring it out and doing something about it.
Once we’re done thinking or saying any of these 'and' statements it almost makes us wonder, “Ok, and…?” As if the thought is incomplete; there’s more coming. We’re left wondering what we’re going to do about it. It naturally hints towards taking action and feels like a challenge, not a problem. Like a puzzle that we’re about to figure out. It feels adventurous. Like a Carmen Sandiego-type adventure.
You’ve just seen how a single word - but or and - can influence your perception of reality and what’s possible, creating a domino effect of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and outcomes. The words ‘but’ and ‘and’ subconsciously create the space for your thoughts and feelings to occur. One space shackles, and the other liberates. One shrinks while the other expands. One is content-focused, paying attention mostly to the ‘stuff’ that’s in the space, giving up power to the things that are there, anxiously staying in the same spot and the other is context-focused, looking beyond the ‘stuff’, acknowledging what’s there and taking power over those things, confidently searching for possibilities and solutions. This space that’s created, this state of being and perceiving, becomes our mindset.
Using ‘but’ in a thought or conversation isn’t usually an isolated incident. Having a tendency to think in ‘but’s', to think in ‘this can’t happen because’, to think ‘either-or’ results in an entirely disempowering mindset that may become part of your own personal operating system. You end up wearing the ‘but-lenses’, seeing the world as a debilitating place, where you have very little power or control.
Your 'but-lenses' leave you with a ‘but-mindset’; an entire way of thinking, feeling, and being that focuses on limitations and obstacles, rather than the possibilities. This mindset often frames things as being mutually exclusive and views challenges as problems that bog us down, rather than opportunities that can help us grow. 'But-mindsets' focus on the things that happen in life (content) rather than the power we have to approach and respond to them (context). You end up feeling stuck, anxious, and powerless, limiting your own well-being, relationships, and potential outcomes.
A lack of motivation and a sense of powerlessness.
For example, if you think “I want to start exercising, but I don’t have the time” you don’t make any effort to find time for exercise. “ At work it could show up like this, “I can’t do this project because I don’t have the resources.”
Disempowering self-talk and a focus on what’s missing.
A 'but-mindset' has you constantly focusing on what’s not going your way in any situation, or what you think is not working, and it keeps you down. For example, “I know I should be happy and be grateful, I’m trying but nothing seems to change. Bad things keep happening to me”
A lack of action and procrastination.
Since your circumstances are seemingly stronger than you, you opt to not do anything or keep putting it off. For example, “I want to start my own business but I don’t have money.” Or “I can’t change my job because I’ll never find one that pays like this”
Missing out on opportunities.
You can’t see opportunities with your 'but-lenses'. For example, thinking “I would love to travel, but I can’t afford it” doesn’t allow you to looking into ways to budget, or save costs by traveling in groups, or researching destinations that aren’t too expensive. It also shows up at work, by thinking things like, “I can’t speak up in meetings, no one will listen to me”. Total missed opportunity.
A tendency to blame external factors.
In this mindset, things happen, they’re not your ‘fault’, so you can’t do anything about them. Again, you're powerless. “I can’t find a partner because there’s nowhere for me to meet new people” or “I can’t date because all the people are jerks on these dating apps”. This thinking focuses on external factors rather than taking responsibility for your own actions, seeing possibilities, and finding solutions. So you're stuck. At work it can look like, “I could close more deals if my leads were better qualified”. Maybe they're not as qualified as they could be, but this way of thinking places the blame for your lack of success on external factors rather than taking initiative to help improve your situation - alone or through collaboration with others.
In sharp contrast, an ‘and-mindset’ is an entirely empowering way of thinking, feeling, and being. It focuses on possibilities and opportunities, rather than limitations and obstacles. It’s expansive, inclusive, additive, collaborative, and innovative. It reminds you that you’re the one who has the ability to choose how you want to think about and approach things that are happening in life; that you have power to create your context.
This mindset frames challenges as opportunities for growth and views things as being interconnected, rather than mutually exclusive. An ‘and-mindset’ is context-focused, looking beyond the ‘stuff’ in the space and taking power over those things, confidently searching for possibilities and solutions.
A sense of empowerment and agency.
Because here you’re focusing on the power and control you have in shaping your own reality. You’ll have an increased ability to find solutions and opportunities. For example, “I want to increase my income but I don’t want to work more hours” could become “I want to increase my income - I wonder what options I have for freelancing, investing, or starting a side hustle”. Simply having agency over your life opens up options and possibilities, giving you the spark you need to move forward and make things happen.
Healthier and stronger relationships with others (and with yourself).
Your open and collaborative communication allows others to engage and bring forth their perspectives without dismissing any of them. The 'and-mindset' sees ideas as complimentary, not binary. This mindset encourages active listening and effective problem solving. For example, “I understand where you’re coming from - your points are valid; and I have some concerns about this proposal. Let’s find a solution that addresses both of our needs”. Even in our personal lives; let’s say a friend invites you out for drinks. If you say, “I’d love to, but I’m already tired,” the response closes off the possibility of finding a compromise. With an “and-mindset” you might say, “I’d love to go out and I’m feeling kinda tired. How about we catch up over the phone instead tomorrow?” Simply using ‘and’ opens up the possibility in your own mind for a compromise or alternative solution and fosters a healthy relationship by showing that you value spending time with your friend and are willing to make the effort to connect with them.
Greater flexibility and adaptability.
The 'and-mindset' encourages the exploration of new ideas and approaches. This shows up especially when facing a challenge in life, like a health issue. For example, “I can’t do this because of my health issue” doesn’t give you any options besides being sick or not. When you use the 'and-mindset', you’d say something like, “Ok, I have this health issue and I want to be able to run a 5K. I’ll find ways to work with it so that I can make it happen”. This way of thinking allows you to be creative and hopeful instead of being stuck and resigning to circumstances. It also encourages you to be open-minded and adaptable in the face of change and adversity, which can lead to greater resilience and success in the long run.
More power to create the content you want in life.
Instead of being limited by a 'but-mindset' that focuses on what’s already happening and how it has power over you, paralyzing you and keeping you at the mercy of it, an 'and-mindset' empowers you to actively shape the reality you want to see – you take ownership of your thoughts, emotions, and actions to make conscious choices that align with your desired outcomes, making things happen that you wouldn’t have been able to with a 'but-mindset'. Take someone like Oprah Winfrey for example. Despite growing up in poverty and facing so many challenges, Oprah didn’t let the circumstances of her life dictate the trajectory of her future. Her 'and-mindset' allowed her to visualize what she wanted her future to look like, see possibilities, get creative, take action, and make things happen.
Greater overall well-being and satisfaction.
When your mindset is focused on possibilities, on what you can do, on options, on action, on empowerment, you most likely build an unshakable resilience to whatever happens in life. You become indomitable. You may get knocked down, but you get back up again. You allow yourself to experience sadness and pain, and you push through it because you know that you have the power to manage and rise above it. You know you’re not at the mercy of what’s happening. So even when you’re faced with an issue that leaves you feeling stressed or overwhelmed, your 'and-mindset' allows you to acknowledge your situation while also looking for ways to manage your stress and look for solutions to the issue, rather than focusing on how stressed you feel or focusing on one solution.
Now that we’ve seen the impact an ‘and-mindset’ can have on our lives, you may be wondering how to shift your own mindset from a ‘but’ to an ‘and’. It’s important to remember that developing an 'and-mindset' is a process that takes time and practice. Be kind and patient with yourself and over time you’ll start to see a shift in your own mindset and experience the benefits yourself. Here are some steps you can follow:
The first thing you need to do is simply be more aware of what you’re thinking and saying - in your head and out loud. Spot the actual ‘but’s’ in your language. And then spot the 'but-lenses' and 'but-mindset', which tend to show up in the ways we discussed earlier. Once you spot them, don’t do anything. Don’t make yourself wrong for them either. Just spot them and make a mental note, as if you’re watching a movie or reading a story, “Oh look at that…I just said that I can’t do something because I don’t have the chops for it”. That’s it, observe without judgment. You’ll be amazed at how much you’re noticing; it’s like when you think of buying a certain car and then you start seeing that car everywhere. There probably aren’t more of that car on the road, you’re just noticing them more. Same thing with your ‘but’s’.
After spotting your ‘but’s’ and thoughts in your 'but-mindset', take a moment to swap ‘and’ for ‘but’ or ‘can’ for ‘can’t’ and rephrase the thought. So if you’re thinking, “I wanna go out but I have no one to go out with”, simply swap with 'and' for 'but' and rephrase: “I wanna go out and I have no one to go out with.” That’s it. Swap. Rephrase. Observe.
Once you’ve rephrased, observe what opens up for you. What are you feeling now that you rephrased it? What are you sensing is possible? If you can’t see the possibilities, that’s ok, you may still be wearing your 'but-lenses' and sitting in your 'but-mindset'. Ask yourself some questions, “Ok, what do I want to experience? What can I do to make that happen? What are some new ways I can think about this? What other options have I not thought about?” Then just see what comes up for you. Again, no judgment. Making yourself wrong won’t serve you in any way. You’re just playing a different game than you’re used to, so it may feel strange and uncomfortable at first.
In the example we gave earlier, “I wanna go out and I have no one to go out with”, you can ask yourself, “Ok what do I want to experience?” You might think something like, “I want to have a bougie dinner in a fancy restaurant”. Ok, great, you can follow that up with “What can I do to make that happen?” This opens up so many possibilities. You’re no longer focused on what you don’t have or what’s missing - in this case someone to go out with - and instead you’re focusing on what it is that you want, and getting creative in how you can make that happen. You see possibilities. You’re in charge now.
Now that you see possibilities you didn’t see before, take action. Choose something to do. You can choose a new thought. You can choose to take a certain step. Whatever it is, just do something. This way you’re reinforcing the idea that you have agency over your circumstances and that you’re empowered. Even if what happens next is not what you wanted or expected, the sheer fact that you intentionally chose a new thought, intentionally worked towards incorporating a new mindset, intentionally chose to respond instead of react, you’re building your strength and ability to have an 'and-mindset' in your life.
Allow things to show up the way they show up after you take action. Reflect on them - how’d it go? What worked for you? What didn’t? You’re experimenting here - you’re growing - have grace with yourself and be patient with your progress.
So, go to that bougie restaurant alone if you want to. Call up an old friend and see if they’re up for going out. Order in and enjoy a solo meal with fancy cutlery at home. Put on a chef’s hat and whip up a bougie meal for yourself in the comfort of your kitchen.
Whatever it is, it’s your call. Your move. You have power. And you are more powerful than you know.